Remember last journal, when I said life's good and all...?


Well.. that couldn't last long. I am a postive person. I can't say that I am it at heart since I don't know if I'm naturally positive or just fooling myself to be one but at least to the outer world and in reflection to myself, I am a positive person. Then life hits you in the face and still.. I remain positive. Lately though it's getting harder to remain that way. I know though that when life is going easy and it's good that some time it will have to end because that too is only logical and natural. But why it has to be such a hard slap in the face, such a harsh way to bring back reality, that I don't know.

At the first of August, my grandma passed away. I'm telling this also now so that when I will leave for my few days of holiday somewhere in Limburg; Holland, most of my friends will know and all akwardness will be out of the way. So yes, she died after one month of being in the hospital. It went incredibly fast and I was there when she spilt her last breath. We brought her to the hospital with just a little dehydration and a stomach flue or so we thought, then suddenly it was cancer and not to be helped. She was 76.
Now if only this was it. But my trips to the hospital haven't ended. Her brother, my great-uncle, is also in the hospital. In fact he was there first and he first got told to have cancer, also since our family is really lucky (ahum) it couldn't be cured. He and my grandma had exactly the same kind of cancer at the same time.
My first fear was, since we heard about him first, that he was going to die and my grandma would follow soon after (this was before I even heard she got sick) because she and her brother are really close and my grandpa died nine years back. All I'm doing now is waiting really for him to die as well, because as things are now it doesn't look like he will last much longer and as my grandma proved it can be over in a week.

So... am I still positive? I have to be right? So I smile and go on and it's not like I'm friggin crashing into a deep hole but it sucks and sometimes it's okay to say that it just all sucks.

Anyway, I'm just keeping busy. I'm planning my trip for Japan, checking out all the stuff I can do there, working still a little and like I said, in a little more than I week I'll have some fun days with my friends, just good ol' - the world can't hurt us cause we're crazy- fun.

Plus, like in most tragedies, one really gets to know and appreciate ones friends. So my love and gratitude goes out to them. And I direct my hopeful eyes once again to a brighter future.

To those who read all this, chapeau! And I can ensure you that I still have fun in my life. So now I'll leave you with a few words my grandma left me, a strong advice it took me such a long time to learn:

"Don't be too quick to say you can't,
'I want' is a stronger thing
'I want' will overcome in the end
almost every single obstacle"

Original dutch:
Zeg niet te gauw ik kan niet,
ik wil is fermer taal
ik wil overwint aan het eind
haast elke hinderpaal

Take it to heart.

Love,

Akaiyume